Float On - Modest Mouse

I backed my car into a cop car the other day.
Well he just drove off, sometimes life's OK.
I ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh what did I say?
Well you just laughed it off, it was all OK.

And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on OK.
And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on anyway.

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam.
It was worth it just to learn some sleight of hand.
Bad news comes, don't you worry even when it lands.
Good news will work its way to all them plans.
We both got fired on exactly the same day.
Well we'll float on, good news is on the way.

And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on OK.
And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on.
Alright already, we'll all float on.
No don't you worry. We'll all float on.
Alright, already. We'll all float on.
Alright, don't worry. We'll all float on.

And we'll all float on.
Alright already, we'll all float on.
Alright, don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on.

Alright already, we'll all float on.
Alright already, we'll all float on OK.
Don't worry, we'll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on.
Alright already, we'll all float on alright.
Don't you worry, we'll all float on.
We'll all float on.

Balance & Bullshit

Balance (n.) a desirable point between two or more opposing or interacting forces

.. also the biggest struggle of my adult life. It seems almost unattainable to me. I don't want to be in one place, I don't want an indefinite label. But how can I ever be in two (or more) places at once? I want to know and be a part of everything. I want to be home with family, but I want to be on my own, to be self-reliant. I want education but I want money now. I want to be a renaissance woman. I want to be a leader. I want to save lives. I want success. I want to be with my friends, but I want to know complete strangers. I want to help others believe in themselves, but I want to live a wild and crazy life of my own.

Based on personal experience, I find that we lose so much of who we really are when we engross ourselves with one aspect of our lives. I read my journal and writings, and realize I've grown tremendously as a person. But at the same time I miss that silly girl who cared more about what her heart told her... But that silly girl was on a mission to find me.

"im bored n just wondering what 2008 is gona be like for me.

Looking back at 2007 it kinda feels like i was disappointed by all of unfortunate events of this past year more then anything else. i cant say it was a completely horrible year because it wasnt. this year i met some amazing people who i will remember forever and built stronger bonds with some of the people already present in my life, but even with its memorable moments it wasnt the best year of my life. Entirely too much bullshit consumed my year. Pretty much feels like i devoted too much of me to nothingness. i spent too much time stressing petty shit and was just presented with soo many unnecessary obstacles. but hey, i guess everything happens for a reason and all i can do now is learn from it. This year i was pretty much forced to grow up a lot, or else i wouldnt have gotten through any of it. thanks to the people who helped me get through a rough year and kuddos to myself for just being awesome ;)

hopefully 2008 has a lot more to offer."

And here I find myself, approaching 2010, embarking on so many new and wonderful journeys. Greatful of all the wonderful and fulfilling opportunties that I've been presented. So much of my time is devoted to something greater than me. Here I am trying "save the world".. supposedly.

But something was missing in '07, and something is still missing now. The weight has completely shifted on the balance beam of my life. Enough "bullshit" doesn't consume me, as unusual as that sounds. The kind of "bullshit" that reminds you that you are not impervious to pain, and you don't have all the answers. The kind that reminds you how to laugh and cry and feel emotions directly related to you. To cry and laugh because of what you feel, not as a resulting reaction to what others feel. Genuine everyday moments with MY family, MY friends, MY loved ones... the ones who made me who I am to begin with. That is whats missing -- The Bullshit, which in reality is very far from bullshit. Its what souls are made of.

Moral of the story, don't forget the things that make YOU YOU. Stand for something, be radical, save a life, save the world... but remember who you are and where you came from. Know that a balance must exist in order for you to reach your highest potential and have your greatest impact on this world. Being a good person doesn't mean anything if you aren't touching the lives of the people closest to you. Remember to love. to smile. to laugh. to cry.

To be humble. This next step for me, on my quest toward enlightenment. Here we go.


CHEERS!
D.

Neptizzy Fo' Shizzy

That's Neptune Gomez - Rodriguez.
He's teeny, illegal, and I love him.

Friendship 101

When I was a freshman someone once told me, "Didi, the people you call your friends now probably won't even say hello to you by the time you're a senior." I laughed at what seemed like a idiotic statement, but little did i know it was the truth.

I don't know if people share the same experience, but I imagine they do. I imagine they have, post freshman year, been in a room with a friend-turned-acquaintance-turned-stranger. Its an unusual, yet familiar process. The semester ends, and when classes resume, its as though many of us mapped out what the following semester would be like-- socially that is. We start with a clean slate. We've decided who we do and do not want to say Hi to because.. well, because frankly we just do. Many times its not even a matter of broken friendships. I mean, I don't typically dislike anyone I used to be close to(and i use that term loosely because there are few individuals I've actually gotten close to), I just don't know them anymore. Time passes, a new niche is found, and that is fine. No grudge need be formed.

What I don't understand is the pettiness that has consumed, and ultimately devoured two of my closest friendships. It baffles me the level of immaturity and just the overall magnitude of idiocracy that i have encountered the first month of my senior year. How can college seniors be so fking needy. So childish. So absolutely ridiculous that they force you to question how a friendship could have ever blossomed from such dysfunctional thinking.

I just don't know. Maybe cause it was okay when we were younger to hold silly grudges, that juvenile "I'm not talking to you for a week and then we'll be okay" way of thinking. Not anymore dude. Not anymore.

Maybe I realized to early on that that was pretty much a waste of my time. Maybe my experiences with death helped me realize how short life can be, too short for pettiness. Maybe I'm wrong and well, there's always the possibility that its me and my apathetic ways, but I much rather be this way then to succumb other people's stupidity. Don't know, and there just isn't room for that kind of bullshit.

Stay friendly !
D.

address.

Im terribly bored at work signing people into the gym, so i figure i'll blog for a bit. Came across something online and it said Apt412, and although I never lived in Apt412, just the sight of it hit the memory switch in my mind and i figured i'd blog about where i've lived.

ridgewood, ny. (hancock as my mom refers to it)
this was the first place i ever lived. I have no recollection of the apt but I've seen pictures. I was a newborn living here with my father, mother, and older brother - who was 2 yrs at the time. Its a crummy neighborhood and we left quickly after I was born.


middle village, ny.
This i remember very well. this is where i walked, talked, became a big sister, and saw my father go through chemo. Upstairs was Becky and Ricardo - a puerto rican and jamaican couple with 2 kids - Debbie and Joshua, home schooled kids. I remember not being able to say words like 'dumb' or 'sucks' in there presence because it was a 'curse word'. Joshua had absolutely no sensitivity to pain. I witnessed this boy, no older than 4, fall down a flight of stairs and run outside to play. Up the block there was a little girl with a hearing aid and her attentive father. Paige was the palest girl with the blondest hair. Absolutely gorgeous in her own way and a pleasure see riding her bike with her father always at her side. At some point next door was an old man, whom later in my life I came to realize was gay, who had a black poodle. The poodle always had some variation of red or pink nailpolish. Attached to our home lived a family. Don't remember the family but someone owned a motorcycle that my mother knocked over pulling out the car and never fessed up. A good handful of neighbors gathered together to offer condolences and I'm sure give donations to repair what had been damaged by an 'anonymous party.' I imagine it still haunts her. Across the street was an abandoned house. Neighborhood kids, myself included in, would try to get into the building because we were convinced it was haunted. And I still think theres some truth to that. Anytime we'd walk past the building we'd hear a slight but consistent beeping sound. But the moment you passed the house the sound was gone. Down the block a series of old ladies. I remember one who'd always complain that my mothers car alarm went off in the middle of the night.

Inside my house, well I had my own room. I vaguely remember the room being white with some sort of border, but I went to Colombia one summer and came home to a pink room. I hate pink. I might be confusing this with my room in Glendale, or its quite possible I lived through this 2x. I remember my dresser, my father built. It had a lamb on it. Unusual now that I think about it. My room was all my own, havent experienced that since. I had no ceiling fan and no AC. .(A trend that followed me to glendale too)Next door was JayJays room and Jesses nursery. I typically slept there. Sleeping in solitude is creepy when you are a little girl and next door had AC and most likely a ceiling fan as well ( another trend in living arrangements). I saw a ghost in that room. Well a pair. That I'll never forget but rather tell in its own blog. So yeah. Jayjay was unusual some nights. I remember him telling me on more than one occasion that Chucky or Freddy Kruger was going to come and kill me. I also recall a time when he told me that I was a spec on this earth and completely insignificant. I'd cry myself to sleep on those nights. I never brought this to his attention as it never really had a long term effect on me but Im sure it'd make for an interesting conversation. I remember playing ninjas and us asking adults to watch. How ridiculous it must have been to watch two kids punching and kicking the air. We'd even tell eachother to 'watch out' and act as though we were in fact injured by the 'bad ninjas' at times. Ninjas was the most fun in the basement. We had a big carpeted basement. It wasn't always carpeted. I remember family parties seeing the grey cement floor. Family parties were common. But it wasn't really family per se. I guess a handful were related to my dad, but typically they were my dads friends. I miss that. I've never had that again in my household after my dad died. My parents room was the furthest from our rooms. I loved it there. It was the ultimate safe haven. I remember making breakfast and bring it to my daddy in bed on fathers day. We'd give him the gifts we got him, which was actually what we picked out my mom paid for. I remember I have him a seafoam green shirt with bugs bunny on it. He wore it a lot. He also wore vans a lot. I haven't seen my father in over 10 years, excluding dreams. I remember him very well. I remember being the princess and being so embarrased when he'd make fun of the boys that called the house. I remember one of the big fights he had with my mom and how me and jayjay hid under the bed. I wonder if that was something we'd seen on tv or if its just in a childs nature. Probably the latter. Oh middle village. The memories are pouring out of me. I was happy here. The good times outweighed the bad 10 fold. Here I experienced a beautiful childhood. I wish we never left.

glendale, ny.
I hated it here. I came back from Colombia and with no chance to say goodbye my home, i was thrown into an ugly pink cubicle/hallway with no privacy. Intially im sure I was excited at the thought of living in a new place, but it just wasn't the same. I didn't have fun there like middle village. No neighborhood friends. No manhunt at night or finding abandoned animals. Hated it. Here I lived one of the worst years of my life. Here my parents split apart. Well technically they didnt get that far because my father died. Yeah he died before they could divorce. As if it wasn't enough for a child to be witnessing a marital break up before their very eyes and hearing the muffled screams through the pillow, we all had to deal with the death of our father. I remember when he went back to the hospital after not dealing with cancer for nearly 5 years. It was just a fever I thought. I didn't even hug and kiss him like it was our last goodbye. It was a simple goodbye. The bye you give when your running out to the supermarket or up the block. It wasnt right. After little time in the hospital my father died, and was revived.. but not really. He was in a coma. I wont go into details here. Its too much for me to do in public. Point is march 29, 1999 my father died. 'I finished out 5th grade and Jesse was in Kindergarden. The next few years I hated. I didn't feel like part of my family for a while when my mom pursued her relationship with a man I hated. I later came to realize he spent more time in my house on weekends than I did, without my knowledge. They were their own little unit and I wasn't a part of it. I lived through another two of my moms relationships here. Those weren't so bad. I went to Jr. High, got my period, hated my mom and spent my time with friends. Went to high school, lost my virginity and especially hated my mom and eventually my older brother. Things got better, and i eventually went away to college and dormed. Only really good things that happened in glendale was me and my mom starting over after I graduated from HS, and Pochi (my chihuahua) who became a part of the family in July of 2007.

Overall, I hated glendale but lived there until I was 19. I lived through several deaths in that house. The last was on Feb 3 2008. The morbid and unusual death of my 29 year old cousin, ironically parrallel to that of my friend Nilssons death less than a year prior. I won't go into depth but it was rough. Then on Valentines day, we were robbed. Every bit of jewelery I owned - gone, everything valuable gone. It engrages me as I type this. I have to stop for a minute and remember :when things are bad, they will get worst, but when you least expect they will get really really good. Some how it just peaced together and a month later we were out of that hell hole and up the block from my mourning aunt.

briarwood, ny & stonybrook, ny
to be continued...

Blurbs.

Hello hello.
So this is strictly me blurbing updates cause i have no time for indepth thoughts. I dyed my hair, or tried- dumb move the black stayed black the root is a devilish red.. but i like it.
im back at school, crazy busy - 6 classes, academic advising intern, menta health peer educator, , PR for Minorities in Psychology, Cultural Advocacy Chair for Latin American Student Org.
Ill never write that out again - its APA, CHILL, MiPS, and LASO, respectively.
I also have my pretty baby to keep happy...
Were happy roomies and i love him soo much.
i had a weird dream that i was spinning in my own vomit.
the other side of campus is the best. less obnoxious-ness. so mellow and nature friendly and close to all my classes!
classes = great. 4.0 here i come.
im still chunky n tryna find the time to fix that
i want a bicycle to ride around school
i miss my pochi and my grandparents n momma n brothers already
im super excited about lifeeee.
looking into mental health counseling programs.. probably applying for my MA ... im not longer so eager jump right into a PhD program. scratched the 4yr plan.. i have time : )
im happy. im happppy im happpppy.
later.

21 in 9 day!
D.

Two Part Blog: "Funny People"/ Fruit Flies

Yesterday I saw "Funny People" with my boyfriend. I didn't know 'til I bought the tickets that this movie was about 2hrs and 20mins. Yeah, what the hell kinda Sandler movie is that long? But I went in regardless.

I had a little background on the making of the film cause I randomly came across something on tv like a week ago. Pretty much Sandler was saying that this movie is how his life "could have turned out" because of his life long career, but not how it actually is. Its a bit more about the director Judd Apatow starting out -- who used to be Sandlers roomate.

So yeah its pretty much a comedic drama : comedian gets sick realizes how much his life sucks and then gets better and still manages to suck at life.

The cast is ridiculously hilarious. And cock jokes never get old. And theres a shit load of random comedians in it. Cast gets 5 stars. Oh and I really like the lead girl -- Leslie Mann. Shes definitely underrated.

But the movie dragged on a bit at times. I guess if we weren't used to movies being 1 1/2 hours I wouldn't have noticed but this felt long. Actually I take it back cause "Knocked up" was long and I didn't feel it. Whatever, I should be entertained for that long if I'm paying $11.50!

So over all Im going to give it 3 stars (out of 5) . It was really really really funny. You will laugh a lot but some parts feel long towards the end.



Now for part two of this blog.
I tied it together cause the movie made me think about it.. more.

Alright so Adam Sandlers character is lonely and loves his ex. Shes married with kids, but loves him too.I know its a movie but its realistic. Even married, the ex is an issue. Pisses me off...

For me the ex has always been an issue. If its not the guy still having feelings for an ex, then its the ex tryna get them back. Typically the latter. Pisses me off..

I like to think I'm an ideal ex. I just disappear! Or on rare occasion pay compliments(and unfortunately insults) to the new girl if such compliments(or insults) are due. But I don't talk about how they broke my heart, or how I miss them, or tell my friends to talk to them, or try to be their best friend, or their ex's new girlfriends friend, or any other endless possibility of dumb shit an ex can do to sabatoge a new relationship.

I mean I've probably done something like this if were both single after a while and feeling were still lingering. I mean when I'm done done done with something its usually cause I found a reason for it to be over. And I often deem people unworthy of my friendship or know when its just not a good idea.

So yeah, I don't get these ex girlfriend who are like gnats annoying the crap out of me, or fucking fruit flies hovering around me as if I were a ripened fruit all my life. Is this crap going to happen when I'm married? Does this happen to everyone or is it just me? Am I a single rotting fruit out here or are there more?

I know if I were completely secure it wouldn't matter, but I'm only semi secure. I'm a 20 yr old woman in america ergo I'm atleast semi insecure. But ex's suck. They have done nothing positive for my relationships. Ironically, they extended my awful relationships because I'm so freaking competitive. You have to wonder if you actually gave a crap about your significant other after a while or just didn't want their ex to have one up on you. Pathetic, but true. I've recognized that prior to my current relationship, i loved the challenge far more than the individual. My bad!

Love makes us do crazy shit, but I like to think love is a mutual connection. If only you feel it, well than I'm sorry dear, but you need to get over it. And if its meant to be, well it'll be -- on its own accord. Or maybe I won't fully know and understand and sympathize 'til Im on the other side, 'til I want my ex back, or vice versa. 'Til then fuck 'em!

"Its hard to accept whats right in front of us, but even harder to accept whats not." - me.

Didi out!