identity moratorium

Moratorium is the status of a person who is actively involved in exploring different identities, but has not made a commitment.

So, I am at a place in my life where all I really want to do is figure out who i really am. I mean, I know who I am... or do I know who I want to be? ... And thus, the confusion begins. Its like this, I know I'm easy going but I want to draw a line between that and being a push over. I also want to draw a line between being responsible but simultaneously carefree. I don't know why I find myself on both sides of the spectrum and I certainly don't know why I feel so obliged to draw lines. I mean, whats a distinction going to do for me? Is some sort of set criteria going to make my life any easier? I don't know. I don't think so. I am absolutely rambling, but this is where I am in life. I feel like I take on so many roles, where so many hats.. and sometimes they are in fact contradictory. Does that make me a hypocrite? or does it make me adaptable? I have no idea... but I'm excited about the journey toward finding out.

All I know is that I love life. I'd like to spend more time self reflecting, than reflecting on other peoples actions. Its going to be my profession for the rest of my adult life, why bother with it now. For now I will ask myself all of these questions and actively discover who I am through experience. After all, you are the sum of your experiences.

If its someone I genuinely care for of course thats another story, but why waste minutes, hours, days worrying about someone who is insignificant in your journey? The bubble I'm in, a dense yet idle campus, makes it difficult to avoid formulating opinions and passing judgments about others. I don't agree with a lot of what I see around here, and often deem it superficial or just plain stupid, but instead of trying to understand why people I dont care about are associated with things I care less about, I want to understand why I've developed these views and opinions in the first place. What does it say about ME? Idk, but its totally doable. My most recent venture, actively attempting to humble myself, has gone quite well. I'm no where near where I'd like to be, but I've improved since my last post about it. I'm not as cocky and I think people are gravitating towards me much more now that thats changed.

All in all....Life is better than its ever been. Personal growth is good.

Cheers,
D.

I will have the time, energy, and motivation to get in shape.
I will have the time, energy, and motivation to get in shape.
I will have the time, energy, and motivation to get in shape.
I will have the time, energy, and motivation to get in shape.
I will have the time, energy, and motivation to get in shape.
I will have the time, energy, and motivation to get in shape.
I will have the time, energy, and motivation to get in shape.
I will have the time, energy, and motivation to get in shape.
I will have the time, energy, and motivation to get in shape.
I will have the time, energy, and motivation to get in shape.

The Alchemist By Paulo Coelho

" And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to acheive it. "

wisdom is a girls bestfriend.

You know those days when you wake up and don't like the world your in? Today is one of those days; I'm having a very 'off' day. Everything from the way my body feels to whats going on in Haiti, it all just seems so wrong....

Anywho, I'm back from my Vegas/Cali getaway. It was my first time on the west coast, and my first vacation with friends. I wasn't exactly prepared for it in more ways than one, but hey life is trial and error. Next time i'll know or atleast have a better idea of what to pack, who to go with, and where to stay. Overall I had a really great, eye opening experience and i'll definitely go back before the year is over.

My favorite part of the vacation was the sky. Day or night, when I looked at the clear sky, well that was it for me. That was my escape, my peace of mind, the mere definition of a vacation. I didn't have a care or worry. Everything seemed so perfectly in place at that moment. It was almost unreal to me. I think I left a little piece of me there on the drive from Nevada to California and back, just standing there in the middle of the interstate staring into to the sky, searching for all the answers. I'll go pick up that piece someday, but for now i don't mind.

I learned a lot about myself on this trip, good things and bad things... things I needed to realize to move forward in life. Its crazy this whole 'adult' thing. Its like no matter what you are constantly learning, growing up, and you are finally mature enough to actually realize it. Its like I see myself changing, rearranging thoughts and patterns in my mind after each self dicovery. Understanding life differently, seeing a bigger picture. Its like... a massive puzzle. Sometimes you think you have enough pieces to make out the image but then sometimes you just mess up and lose one of the pieces you already had, but even failure grants you a new puzzle piece, and that puzzle piece appears to create a whole new image...all theses clues leading you to the answer but at the end of the day you don't even know what question you are trying to answer!.. oh life, you are such an enigma!!! i love you :)

Oh yeah so where was i..... So i didn't win big in Vegas, or run into celebs in LA, but I got more out of this vacation than I had expected. The way I see it, New York raised me so the rest of the world could embrace me.

Time to see the world through a whole new lens.
Peace and Love,
D.

ps, the world seems just a bit more right after blogging.

2009 Pros/Cons

It's hard to believe another year has come and gone.. almost. So much has changed, especially within the last few months. This has been one of the more difficult yet fulfilling years of my life.

What better way to describe 'o9 than with pros & cons :)

PROS :D
- No one close to me died. For me this is magical in a world where you never know whos up next. This year it was time for some celebs.
- My family is genuinely happy, healthy, and together.. This year I felt more like a family than others, simply because we've all been in a better mental state. Granted my youngest brother - sixteen - is quite standoffish, and for the most part a complete asshole, but I attribute that to his age. At the end of the day hes our baby and we love the shithead. I was the same and so was my older brother, who is now twenty-three.
- I turned 21. I can go anywhere, and use my own idenity. Pretty sweet.
- I got my liscence. I set my mind to it and i did. Passed on the first try.
- I kicked ass at Stony Brook. Grades were higher than ever, I was involved in everything under the sun, and I've definitely made my mark.
- My relationship with my boyfriend has flourished. Never in my life have I felt so comfortable with and connected to another individual. He is my souls counterpart.
- Unhealthy friendships/relationships went byebye.
- I met some great people. No one I can call a best friend, but certainly people who have left an impression on me.
- Lastly, I made over my soul. This was a year of wisdom, compassion, and life lessons. While nothing from my past has been erased, I have definitely defeated some of my greatest demons...

CONS :(
- I didn't take care of myself. I didn't pay enough attention to my physical appearance and pretty much looked washed up this year. And I gained 10 pounds.. Boo.
- I scarificed my social life at SBU. (not entirely a con, realized i was in the wrong social circle kinda late)
- Lost some of my closest friends to a monster named Pettiness.
- Didn't save $$$, but then again thats nothing new!

That's all I can think of for now, but clearly the Pros outweigh the Cons.

2010 has a lot to offer and I'm ecstatic.


Enjoying the rest of 'o9,
D.

Why I love children - Reason#6078

If you're a procrastinator, I'm your enabler.

http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/recent/7